What's Up, Chicken Butt?

I have been considering donating time to my local rescue mission....I really think it would be a positive thing to put my focus into once a week. Especially because it isn't about me and entirely for helping others who are down on their luck. But I have to admit...I get a little frightened of weird people. I know this is a total assumption and yes, I am generalizing that people that go there are weird. It sounds awful- I know- but there are some odd scary ones I guarantee! And being a girl and all...YIKES! Then I start playing the what if game and all bets are off! I imagine one bum hiding by my car waiting for me to go to it to try to rob me or hurt me. I really can't see myself getting escorted to my car?? Can I??? So then what happens to little ol' me if that happens? Or rapists, or demon possessed people--I ain't playin'. I have seen that so I know that can be real.

SCARY!!!

I do want to help and I know in a round about way I will be helping myself as well. I have to trust my guardian angels got my back so I should be fine!

It's a new adventure and I am looking forward to checking it out.

The Day After...

Don't you just hate the day after you have a big blow up with your spouse? I did in fact have one with my hunny last night. Today, like most days following, I have that gnawing pit in my stomach. I feel sorta raw and exposed...and disappointed in myself and him and my words....guilty for my lack of ability to be vulnerable enough to tap into and communicate the heart of the matter. Thus ending up in a bitter brawl all the while sad and missing him. That was what the whole deal came down to..if only I just said that instead of all the other crap!!!

I love him so much and am so proud of the fact we are happily married going on ten years. I don't doubt for a second I didn't marry the right guy.

He is so right for me and I too am a good fit for him. It's just...ARRGGG! I hate the terribleness I can almost physically feel when we argue...ESPECIALLY when one of your kids may have heard some of it....I just hate how I can be sometimes!!! Guilt sucks!

I am really embracing this New Year. I think instead of hoisting on myself a bunch of unrealistic resolutions I just plan to be better. Work on myself and be the better version of me. I need to shift my focus in area's and re balance out. My most important priority is being the best mother and wife to my dear family I can be. I do want to get healthy and drop a good thirty pounds but if it rolls around Dec. 30, 2009 and I am still packing some pudgy spots but have accomplished my desire to be a better mama and wife, then I still win. I will be more than content with that.

Don't Even Go There, Mister!

Blah, blah, blah blah blah....raw raw raw and all that jazz. That is all I can come up with today....

And I'm done....

Snnoooozzzzz!

Hello insecurities,
Is that you knocking on my door...?
Should have known you'd come back around
And try to torment me all the more.
Hello insecurities,
You're no friend of mine...
The damage you could potentially do
Is far less than unkind.
Hello insecurities,
Why do you hide in the back of my thoughts...
The little voice
Waiting to be heard, waiting to hinder.
Hello insecurties,
I don't like the person you make me become.
Don't want to carry the baggage that bred you
Deep in my spirit I want to loose you
From the troubling hold.
Hello insecurites, it's time to shut the door.
Choose to reject the familiar sound whispering in my ear.
Goodbye insecurity, you were never a friend of mine.
Although you kept me company...
You were far less than unkind.

Spring Fever...Make that HAY FEVER!

Hello all! I hope this blog finds you well. I am scrambling trying to iron out some business in my life at the moment and keep my sanity. Not an easy feet I tell you. I have recently took on extra responsibilities and have been reaping blood, sweat and tears ever sense.
*** Quick recap: Holidays were a blurr as always but marvelous...like an amazing dream you can't capture and is hazy the next morning...but you knew it was delicious. Like that.
*Easter was special. Peeps are already stale though...and sadly my favorite Cad bury Mini Eggs have been pulled from the shelves till next year after Valentines Day... I can't quit you:(
*I am looking forward to a full year ahead with dates, deadlines and being mom all rolled into one gigantic blob of stress...and joy.
*Went on comped Vacay with good pal of mine to hideous Reno...I SAID it was comped! I still put down too much of my own moola in those smoke filled dens of Greed! I OFFICIALLY HATE CASINO'S! I hate the people it turns you into and your friends for that matter. Worst vacation ever!!!! ...Side note: Obviously I didn't win...and am bitter! Lack of sleep and empty pockets make for fuel to the fire for fun argument ridden drive home. NEVER AGAIN!
*One more gripe: Where have all the good movies gone? There's nothing out in the theatres....What's the deal?! I suppose I will have to just watch my old favorites at home for now.
***Exciting trip planned: To Victoria, Canada and Seattle, WA. In July so that will be a relief to exit Hades and head someplace cooler for a change.
Gotta run, felt good to get back in the ol' saddle of blogging for a change. XOXOXO to all!

Consistancy Is Highly Over Rated

I have been busy being fabulous and have procrastinated re posting for a month it seems...Where oh where does the time go? I can tell you where mine goes at least when Internet surfing:
Perezhilton.com.
Anyone check that site out? It is the blog of all blogs, the Queen of gossip...celebrity gossip that is! My favorite type indeed. Me loves some Perez with all his overweight sass! He looks like a walking queer Lucky Charms Irishman. Oh yeah, did I mention a fat one...
I get to roll out to San Fran this weekend and see Colbie Caillat in concert. I love her. Her style is laid back and artsy. I dig her style. I am going for the girl fun too. My great buds Julie, Rebekah and my sis and friend Heather are all going. I look forward to the many laughs and memories to be made. Also can't wait to get to the city. I just love the city!!! It has the coolest vibe and energy.
Did I mention I need to go shopping! I am desperate for a new freaking wardrobe, shoes and all. Come on Oprah, give this girl some money! Isn't that what we all secretly wish? If only I could make it on her damn christmas show I would really come out with a loot! Harpo knows how to throw down in the currancy department. Ah well...
Another day, another dollar...
Slowing but surely.

Vacation's Have Taken Over My Life!!!

In the past two weeks I have traveled in the car approximately thirty eight hours strictly to and from my destinations. My butt is going numb just thinking about it!

First vacation was to my hometown in Oregon to visit my family. Specifically my grandma, Motsey who is suffering from Dementia. It was super awesome to get to see my cousin Kerri and her family who I haven't seen in 4 years. They actually reside in the home we built way back when we lived there till I turned eight. Now just a short walk down their long drive way leads to my Papa and Motsey's house they lived in way back when and continue to live in now. Up the hill lives my aunt and uncle but now days my aunt lives with Papa and Motsey to help care for Motsey and give my Papa a break.

Seeing my Motsey was very hard at first. You know how you generally are closer to one set of grandparents? Well, they were it for me. It was SO So SO sad seeing her for the first time. I was all nervous because the last time I spent with her she was fine. We both cried saying goodbye and we did our little secret sign to eachother where you take your pointer finger and middle finger and cross them to signify your closeness. This time she didn't recognize us...you could just tell. Once she hugged my little girl and looked down at her she started crying...I think it's because we look so much alike. That was all it took! I cried the ENTIRE time. Could not stop. I kept my sunglasses on and just wept. She wanted me to sit by her. We visited a bit and she remembered my husband talking HIGHLY of him. It meant a lot. Then later she came to my cousins for dinner and even on her own called me by my name. It was so nice to hear come out of her mouth. But very short lived.

Each day my cousin re-explained who we were to her. At one point my cousin said,"Isn't it so nice Ahna came to visit us?" Motsey looked at me and said,"You're Ahna?" I shook my head yes and she just layed her head on my shoulder and cried hard.

I don't regret going even with the hard, hurtful moments. We always promised to be close and made grand scheme's I would live with her one day when I grew up. Funny how things turn out. I tried once to do the "secret sign" to her but it caught no spark in her memory as I could tell. I realize from that trip love doesn't change. You don't have to fear the change of a person because the love you two share is timeless, changeless...It is always there no matter where you go, no matter if you try to stay away because reality is to painful. It is always there.